Sunday, May 1, 2016

Dago Mac & Cheese Bites

Fair Warning: This takes a while and is pretty labor intensive.
Another Fair Warning: The product will knock your butthole clean off your body (in the good way) and it's totally worth the time and effort.


- Cheeses: Mozzy, provey-prove, parm parm
- Butter, like half a stick
- Eggs
- Tomato sauce. If it isn't homemade, get the hell off this blog you trailer trash dingleberry
- Salt & Peppa, push it REAL good
- Parsley, basil: fresh is preferable, but I'm poor so I used dried
- Red pepper flakes
- Plain ass breadcrumbs
- All purpose flour
- Milk
- Macaroni
- Not pictured because this was a lot to remember and I'm dumb: canola oil and minced garlic.


Disclaimer before you start: this is not as hard as it seems. There are a shit ton of moving parts, but if you biff it a little it's not the end of the world, you can recover pretty easily. Anyway, lets fucking do this:

Melt a half a stick of butter in a deep pan, at about medium heat.

 Add 2 tbsp's of flour to the melted butter, the scoops don't have to be leveled off, in fact its better if they are heeping over a little. Whisk that shit around and let it cook for like 2-3 minutes. Congrats, you made roux (pronounced "rue," but the French are assholes and like throwing x's around like they're fucking hotcakes).

Add about 1.5 cups of COLD milk (cold = no lumps) to the roux. Turn the heat down to like a medium low, let it sit for a few minutes, stirring occasionally. Let it get a lil thick and so it looks like it does here:  

Now lets get cheesey up in this mf. How much of each cheese you chose to use is really up to you, but to start I threw in a big ass handful of mozz and basically the same amount of provolone. Whisk it around, let it melt.

Consistency is the name of the game here: using the pic to the left as the optimum consistency model (OCM), add extra cheese or milk to achieve the OCM. If it is too thin, add more cheese, stir it in, let it melt, check for OCM. If it is too thick, add a little milk, stir, and check for OCM.

Once you have achieved the OCM, add a lot of black pepper, basil, and red pep flakes. Mix that shit around, and now you got your cheese sauce. Should look like this----->

Fuck. Totally forgot to tell you to cook the macaroni to al dente while you're doing all this jazz. That's a biff on my part. Hopefully you read the whole thing before you started cooking. 

Anyway, add the cooked macaroni to the cheese sauce and mix it around aaaaaand SWISH: Dago Mac & Cheese. Right there in front of your dumb face. 

But we ain't done. Remove the pan from the heat and let it cool down until it stops steaming, then put it in the fridge for 4-5 hours minimum until its cold all the way through. 

p.s that egg shit behind the mac in the fridge is my lame ass roommate's, not mine. I don't eat eggs out of a fucking milk carton like some low class mouth breather.  


 Shits about to get real messy. Using a spoon, start scooping the solidified mac and roll it around in your hands, shaping them into balls about the size and shape of...balls.

The mac will make FAR more than what is pictured, but I was about half way through the next step when I realized I didn't take the pic. Whatevs, fuck you.

Lets batter these balls up. Three stations.
Station 1 - Flour
Station 2 - Abused eggs
Station 3 - a 1:1 ratio of flour:breadcrumbs, shit ton of parm cheese, salt, pepper, minced garlic (1 clove worth), red pep flakes, parsley.

Moving left to right: cover in flour, lather in egg, dredge in breadcrumbs mixture. Really make sure all surface is covered with the breadcrumbs.

They should end up looking like this--->

Get your heaviest sorta deep pan and pour 1/4 inch's worth of canola oil into it. Medium high heat, let that shit get hot.

Drop the mac testes in the hot oil for about 2-3 minutes til the underside is golden brown, then turn them shits onto the other side for another 2-3. Repeat for as many as you got.

Take them out of the oil bath and put them on some paper t's. They are gonna be unable-to-taste-anything-for-a-week-hot when you take them out, so unless you want the next week to be miserable, let em rest.

And thats gonna be hard as fuck when they're staring up at you looking all delicious and crispy.

Because I'm goddamn artist, I put them around a bowl of HOMEMADE tomato sauce, then dusted them with s'more parm cheese and parsley. If you don't want to ball out and make it super sexy like I did, I get it, not everyone can handle that much sexy.

*Warning NSFW* 


Just another peak real quick?