Tuesday, June 7, 2016

The ThunderGun Steak Sandwich

Hotdogs and burgers are staples at summer bbq's. Surefire crowd pleasers, no one is gonna be unhappy with wienies and burgs. But lets say you're holding down the grill at a bbq, and there is a lady present that you've got the mind to thundergun later. You don't want to make no run of the mill bbq grub. Every Joe Shro can do that. You want to knock her clam-keeper straight off. You want to make the ThunderGun Steak Sandwich. 


- Marinaded London Broil. Whatever marinade you usually use is fine, as long as their is a sugary element that can caramelize. Mine had olive oil, balsamic vinegar, rootbeer, and some other shit.
- 1 faguette
- white wine vinegar
- olive oil
- 1 big ass sweet onion
- 5-6 cloves of garlic
- crap ton of parsley
- 1 jalapeno
- chipotle powder (not pictured cuz it was a lot to remember
- Lotta butter
- Salt & pepper


Get as much of the parsley leafs off of the stems as you can, but a few bits of stem here and there won't really matter. Peel the skin off of the garlic. Take the stem off the jolly. You don't have to seed it like I did, but I had to pussify it because my mom was eating this and she's not that into spicy. You can leave it whole if you want, its all going into the food processor so it doesn't really matter. Measure out roughly 3/4 cup of olive oil and 1/3 cup of white wine vinegar.

Dump all that shit into the food processor, season heavily with salt & pep, and pulse it until it looks something like this:
Now fridgerate that junk

p.s - I'm back at home so I have access to sweet ass cooking equipment like a food processor.

p.p.s - This stays for a while if you keep it in the fridge in something sealed. I think its because of the vinegar? Whatever, I used it like 2 weeks after making this batch and it tasted fine and I didn't get sick so it must be true. Science rulez!

This is another pic!


Any steak sandwich that calls itself a steak sandwich but doesn't have onions is fucking trash. ALL steak sandwiches need onions. 

Slice up that big ass onion. Lop off a nice hunk'o'butter. Let it melt in a pan at medium-low heat. Toss in the sliced onions, chipotle powder, salt & pep. and then another lunker's worth of butter. Turn the heat down to low. Cover. Leave.


Come back like 10 minutes later. The butter will have melted. Give it a Pit Bull and Yin Yang Twins SHAKE and let it cook down some more.

Every 5-10 minutes come back and do the same, until the look something like this:


Time to fire up the grill. I personally prefer charcoal grills because I care how my food tastes, but if you don't thats cool. Get it up to at least 500.

 Plop the meat in the middle of the grill. Cover. Time on each side depends on thickness of the cut. Use google for that shit. Regardless, only flip it once. Thats all you need. The less you touch the meat while its grilling, the better. 

 While the steak is cooking, cut the faguette like so. Easy.

But we're trying to thundergun a broad, so we're gonna pump up the jam.

While the steak is cooking, put the butterflied bread face down on the grilling surface surrounding the meat. Leave it there for a minute, max 2 minutes, until they look like this:

So after you have left the meat on for whatever amount of time google told you, remove it from the heat, and LET IT SIT. Can't emphasize it enough. I know you're thinking about thundergunning that chick SUPER hard right about now, but you gotta cool your dick or else....
You'll end up with a giant bloody (both literally and in the  way British people say it) mess like I did. Yeah. Biff City.

But when you do slice it, slice it against the grain. For all the morons out there, that means slice it in the opposite direction than those little lines in the meat.

Also, try to slice it as thin as you can.

Spread some chimmi churri on the bottom roll, then some slices of steak, then the onions, then chimmi it a little more. 

I dare the lady you're trying to thundergun to not get revved up just looking at that thing. When she tries it? Well I hope your night moves are on standby because its not gonna take long. Thundergun strong, young man. Thundergun strong.  

Sunday, May 1, 2016

Dago Mac & Cheese Bites

Fair Warning: This takes a while and is pretty labor intensive.
Another Fair Warning: The product will knock your butthole clean off your body (in the good way) and it's totally worth the time and effort.


- Cheeses: Mozzy, provey-prove, parm parm
- Butter, like half a stick
- Eggs
- Tomato sauce. If it isn't homemade, get the hell off this blog you trailer trash dingleberry
- Salt & Peppa, push it REAL good
- Parsley, basil: fresh is preferable, but I'm poor so I used dried
- Red pepper flakes
- Plain ass breadcrumbs
- All purpose flour
- Milk
- Macaroni
- Not pictured because this was a lot to remember and I'm dumb: canola oil and minced garlic.


Disclaimer before you start: this is not as hard as it seems. There are a shit ton of moving parts, but if you biff it a little it's not the end of the world, you can recover pretty easily. Anyway, lets fucking do this:

Melt a half a stick of butter in a deep pan, at about medium heat.

 Add 2 tbsp's of flour to the melted butter, the scoops don't have to be leveled off, in fact its better if they are heeping over a little. Whisk that shit around and let it cook for like 2-3 minutes. Congrats, you made roux (pronounced "rue," but the French are assholes and like throwing x's around like they're fucking hotcakes).

Add about 1.5 cups of COLD milk (cold = no lumps) to the roux. Turn the heat down to like a medium low, let it sit for a few minutes, stirring occasionally. Let it get a lil thick and so it looks like it does here:  

Now lets get cheesey up in this mf. How much of each cheese you chose to use is really up to you, but to start I threw in a big ass handful of mozz and basically the same amount of provolone. Whisk it around, let it melt.

Consistency is the name of the game here: using the pic to the left as the optimum consistency model (OCM), add extra cheese or milk to achieve the OCM. If it is too thin, add more cheese, stir it in, let it melt, check for OCM. If it is too thick, add a little milk, stir, and check for OCM.

Once you have achieved the OCM, add a lot of black pepper, basil, and red pep flakes. Mix that shit around, and now you got your cheese sauce. Should look like this----->

Fuck. Totally forgot to tell you to cook the macaroni to al dente while you're doing all this jazz. That's a biff on my part. Hopefully you read the whole thing before you started cooking. 

Anyway, add the cooked macaroni to the cheese sauce and mix it around aaaaaand SWISH: Dago Mac & Cheese. Right there in front of your dumb face. 

But we ain't done. Remove the pan from the heat and let it cool down until it stops steaming, then put it in the fridge for 4-5 hours minimum until its cold all the way through. 

p.s that egg shit behind the mac in the fridge is my lame ass roommate's, not mine. I don't eat eggs out of a fucking milk carton like some low class mouth breather.  


 Shits about to get real messy. Using a spoon, start scooping the solidified mac and roll it around in your hands, shaping them into balls about the size and shape of...balls.

The mac will make FAR more than what is pictured, but I was about half way through the next step when I realized I didn't take the pic. Whatevs, fuck you.

Lets batter these balls up. Three stations.
Station 1 - Flour
Station 2 - Abused eggs
Station 3 - a 1:1 ratio of flour:breadcrumbs, shit ton of parm cheese, salt, pepper, minced garlic (1 clove worth), red pep flakes, parsley.

Moving left to right: cover in flour, lather in egg, dredge in breadcrumbs mixture. Really make sure all surface is covered with the breadcrumbs.

They should end up looking like this--->

Get your heaviest sorta deep pan and pour 1/4 inch's worth of canola oil into it. Medium high heat, let that shit get hot.

Drop the mac testes in the hot oil for about 2-3 minutes til the underside is golden brown, then turn them shits onto the other side for another 2-3. Repeat for as many as you got.

Take them out of the oil bath and put them on some paper t's. They are gonna be unable-to-taste-anything-for-a-week-hot when you take them out, so unless you want the next week to be miserable, let em rest.

And thats gonna be hard as fuck when they're staring up at you looking all delicious and crispy.

Because I'm goddamn artist, I put them around a bowl of HOMEMADE tomato sauce, then dusted them with s'more parm cheese and parsley. If you don't want to ball out and make it super sexy like I did, I get it, not everyone can handle that much sexy.

*Warning NSFW* 


Just another peak real quick?


Monday, April 25, 2016

You're Gonna Need a New Pair of Pants: The Burger

Burger. Cheese. Bacon Onion Jam. Fried Egg. Spicy Mayo. I'm getting a little hot and bothered just thinking about this burger again. Junk was DANK. Top 10 I've ever had. Pitched a semi tent down south cuz it was so good. Next level stuff. I know what you're thinking: Rory how about you stop sucking your own dick and tell me how to make it. Well its my food blog so I can suck my dick as much as I want to, but here you go:

- ground beef, 80/20 lean/fat ratio. Anything more than 80 and you're gonna be chewing shoe leather
- cheese. I used Colby Jack, but dealer's choice
- buns. Potato buns for me, I'm personally am not a fan of the enriched flour bullshit buns, but to each their own
- 1 large sweet yellow onion. Sliced thin, then roughly chopped
- 1 egg
- bacon fat. If you don't have a jar of bacon fat like me, the rendering of a few slices of bacon would work. If you don't have bacon, you're on the wrong fucking blog.
- a couple ounces of root beer (or any dark soda)
- balsamic vinegar
- any hot sauce
- mayo
- chipotle chili powder
- salt
- pepper, freshly ground because I'm an adult

Little PSA: Start this junk like 2 hours before you plan on eating.

Slap a big ole chunk of bacon fat in a pan on medium low (or cook a bunch of bacon and remove the bacon).

Once it is sizzling a lil, put all of the onion in there, cover, and let sit on medium low for about 15 minutes. No, the picture does not have it covered, that's a biff on my part.

Once them shits get nice and soft, its time to add the other ingredients. Splash some balsamic vinegar, maybe like 3 tbsp's. Then dump the soda in there too. Little salt & pep. Put the heat on that Flo Rida T-Pain low, leave it uncovered, and let that shit rock for like and hour and a half. I mean REALLY let that shit do its thang. The longer the better.

You can stir it around once in a while, but other than that, let it twerk on its own. We're not tryna bang one out in the backseat of a Honda Accord with Petey Pablo bumpin, we're making sweet sweet oniony love with Barry White playing and rose pedals all up in this bitch. You want to let it cook down until it looks barely recognizable as onions, kinda like this:

No, but Spicy Mayo sure as shit is.

In a bowl, glop a big spoonful of mayo, whatever amount of hot sauce makes the needle move for you, chipotle chili powder, and pepper. Stir that shit around, and boom shakalaka - meet boring dumb mayonnaise's cooler older brother who smokes cigarettes and has probably touched a girl's boob:


Sculpt a beefcake thats about 1/2 inch thick and a little wider than the bun you plan on using. That junk is gonna cook down. Season heavily with s & p.

Get your heaviest pan going on medium high heat, wait for it to get real hot, then drop the patty on in there. Thing should sizzle like a nizzle fo shizzle.

You can grill it if you want, but my apartment complex fucking sucks and doesn't allow grills so I'm making do with what I have. Plus there are no hot/cold spots in a pan like on a grill, so the burger will be more consistently cooked.

Also firing up a grill for just 1 burger woulda been dumb.

After about 4 minutes on one side, give it a quick flipidelphia. It should have a ballin ass crust on top. Put 2 slices of cheese as shown. Cover to melt the cheese, and let that baby rock for about 4 minutes.

Remove from the the pan AND LET THE BURGER REST. If you bite into it right away it will be fucking delicious but a huge mess and pizza-roll-straight-out-the-oven hot. Be patient, let those juices settle.

If you have 0 self control like a goddamn child, here is something to distract you: turn the heat down to medium and crack an egg into the pan you just cooked the burger in. Let that shit fry up until the bottom is crispy, the whites are pretty much settled, but the yolk still soft like RGIII's psyche.

Shoulda mentioned something earlier about toasting the buns a little. Do that now.

Spread some of the spicy mayo on the bottom bun

Top that with a large portion of the Barry White bacon onion jam.

Place the cheesy beefcake on top of that

Then the egg

Top bun on the egg

Break that yolk


Oh daddy

Sally gets it. I'll have the sandwich she's doing it to

Saturday, April 16, 2016

Chicken Parma-bomb

Honestly, nothing too "bomb" about this. Pretty run of the mill chicken parm recipe, but whatever fuck you. If you're reading this you don't know how to cook which makes you pathetic.

 - Chicken breast, sliced thin. If you can't find pre-sliced, buy whole breasts and cut them in half yourself. You'll probably biff that pretty hard, but its fine, you'll see why later
- 2 eggs
- 1 fagguette
- salt
- pepper. Freshly ground is preferable because that other shit is a tasteless waste
- parsley. Preferably fresh but I'm poor so I have the dried stuff
- rep pepper flakes
- mozzarella + parmesan cheese. Again, I'm poor so I have the shitty stuff. Get the good stuff
- tomato/marinara stuff. Make it yourself. Don't be low class. If you buy jarred sauce you probably put just ketchup on your hotdogs and I don't want you reading this so leave now.
- plain bread crumbs
- all purpose flour
- oil. Olive oil is ideal, but, I'm poor. Canola oil for Rory.


Put some plastic wrap over the chicken breasts and smash them into submission with one of those kitchen torture device things (make them about 1/4- 1/2 inch thick). This is when you can fix your earlier biff when you were cutting -  just pound the thicker areas more. Also, if you don't have this torture device, use any blunt object.

Set up 3 bowls (or 2 and 1 paper plate). First one with plain flour, enough to cover the bottom. Second with the 2 eggs, beaten until pretty homogenous. Third with about 2 tbsp's of flour, about a cup of bread crumbs, a shit ton of parm cheese, salt+pepper to taste, a couple pinches of parsley, and red pepper flakes (if you're a pussy, these are optional).

One at a time, place the chicken boobs in the flour (cover both sides with a thin layer, just giving the eggwash something to cling to), dunk that shit in the eggwash (get every part of the chicken wet), then onto the bread crumb mixture (cover them thoroughly. Don't be a shy bitch about it). Have a plate to put them on when they're done. If your fingers aren't caked with the bread crumbs by the end of it, you did something very wrong and should give up cooking forever. They should look something like the picture on the right.


 If you ever read a recipe telling you to bake the chicken for chicken parm, tell them to fuck right off because they are wrong. In the heaviest pan you got, pour enough oil to cover the bottom. Should be about a centimeter or 2 deep. Turn the stove up to medium high, and LET THE OIL GET HOT. Do not put the chicken in before the oil is hot. It will fuck up everything and all of your friends will laugh in your pathetic fat face. A good test to see if its ready it throw some of the bread crumbs into the oil. If it sizzles, you're good to go. If not, then cool your jets and wait.

Once it is hot enough, place however many chicken breasts you can fit in the pan, cover, then flip in about 2.5 - 3 minutes when the underside is a bonerific golden brown. Let the other side cook for about the same time, then remove from the pan to a pile of paper towels you have waiting next to you. Repeat for as many chicken tits as you have. They should look like those golden brown works of art on the right.


 The only way chicken parm should be consumed is when its between to pieced of bread. Slice off a 6 inch piece of a fagguette, then slice that in half longways. Scoop out some of the bread, its just gonna get in the way of the important part of the sammy. Put some mozz on the bottom, stack the chicken on that. Put some sauce on top of the chicken (I want to reiterate, if you didn't make the sauce yourself you are low class white trash who should be stuck at the bottom of an abandoned diving pool), then more mozz cheese. Don't put the lid on the sammy, leave it open with the top next to it. Oh, shoulda told you to heat your oven to 375-400, and to put the sammies on a baking sheet. Whatevs, you can do that now. Leave them in there until the cheese is melted, about 7 minutes.


Put the lid on the sandwich. Enjoy.

p.s Sorry for the unexpected boners.

Don't forget to clean your mess. People who don't clean up after themselves are on the same level as: open mouth chewers, shopping cart ditchers, and low tippers. Fuck those people. Don't be like them.