Monday, April 25, 2016

You're Gonna Need a New Pair of Pants: The Burger

Burger. Cheese. Bacon Onion Jam. Fried Egg. Spicy Mayo. I'm getting a little hot and bothered just thinking about this burger again. Junk was DANK. Top 10 I've ever had. Pitched a semi tent down south cuz it was so good. Next level stuff. I know what you're thinking: Rory how about you stop sucking your own dick and tell me how to make it. Well its my food blog so I can suck my dick as much as I want to, but here you go:

- ground beef, 80/20 lean/fat ratio. Anything more than 80 and you're gonna be chewing shoe leather
- cheese. I used Colby Jack, but dealer's choice
- buns. Potato buns for me, I'm personally am not a fan of the enriched flour bullshit buns, but to each their own
- 1 large sweet yellow onion. Sliced thin, then roughly chopped
- 1 egg
- bacon fat. If you don't have a jar of bacon fat like me, the rendering of a few slices of bacon would work. If you don't have bacon, you're on the wrong fucking blog.
- a couple ounces of root beer (or any dark soda)
- balsamic vinegar
- any hot sauce
- mayo
- chipotle chili powder
- salt
- pepper, freshly ground because I'm an adult

Little PSA: Start this junk like 2 hours before you plan on eating.

Slap a big ole chunk of bacon fat in a pan on medium low (or cook a bunch of bacon and remove the bacon).

Once it is sizzling a lil, put all of the onion in there, cover, and let sit on medium low for about 15 minutes. No, the picture does not have it covered, that's a biff on my part.

Once them shits get nice and soft, its time to add the other ingredients. Splash some balsamic vinegar, maybe like 3 tbsp's. Then dump the soda in there too. Little salt & pep. Put the heat on that Flo Rida T-Pain low, leave it uncovered, and let that shit rock for like and hour and a half. I mean REALLY let that shit do its thang. The longer the better.

You can stir it around once in a while, but other than that, let it twerk on its own. We're not tryna bang one out in the backseat of a Honda Accord with Petey Pablo bumpin, we're making sweet sweet oniony love with Barry White playing and rose pedals all up in this bitch. You want to let it cook down until it looks barely recognizable as onions, kinda like this:

No, but Spicy Mayo sure as shit is.

In a bowl, glop a big spoonful of mayo, whatever amount of hot sauce makes the needle move for you, chipotle chili powder, and pepper. Stir that shit around, and boom shakalaka - meet boring dumb mayonnaise's cooler older brother who smokes cigarettes and has probably touched a girl's boob:


Sculpt a beefcake thats about 1/2 inch thick and a little wider than the bun you plan on using. That junk is gonna cook down. Season heavily with s & p.

Get your heaviest pan going on medium high heat, wait for it to get real hot, then drop the patty on in there. Thing should sizzle like a nizzle fo shizzle.

You can grill it if you want, but my apartment complex fucking sucks and doesn't allow grills so I'm making do with what I have. Plus there are no hot/cold spots in a pan like on a grill, so the burger will be more consistently cooked.

Also firing up a grill for just 1 burger woulda been dumb.

After about 4 minutes on one side, give it a quick flipidelphia. It should have a ballin ass crust on top. Put 2 slices of cheese as shown. Cover to melt the cheese, and let that baby rock for about 4 minutes.

Remove from the the pan AND LET THE BURGER REST. If you bite into it right away it will be fucking delicious but a huge mess and pizza-roll-straight-out-the-oven hot. Be patient, let those juices settle.

If you have 0 self control like a goddamn child, here is something to distract you: turn the heat down to medium and crack an egg into the pan you just cooked the burger in. Let that shit fry up until the bottom is crispy, the whites are pretty much settled, but the yolk still soft like RGIII's psyche.

Shoulda mentioned something earlier about toasting the buns a little. Do that now.

Spread some of the spicy mayo on the bottom bun

Top that with a large portion of the Barry White bacon onion jam.

Place the cheesy beefcake on top of that

Then the egg

Top bun on the egg

Break that yolk


Oh daddy

Sally gets it. I'll have the sandwich she's doing it to

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