Saturday, April 16, 2016

Chicken Parma-bomb

Honestly, nothing too "bomb" about this. Pretty run of the mill chicken parm recipe, but whatever fuck you. If you're reading this you don't know how to cook which makes you pathetic.

 - Chicken breast, sliced thin. If you can't find pre-sliced, buy whole breasts and cut them in half yourself. You'll probably biff that pretty hard, but its fine, you'll see why later
- 2 eggs
- 1 fagguette
- salt
- pepper. Freshly ground is preferable because that other shit is a tasteless waste
- parsley. Preferably fresh but I'm poor so I have the dried stuff
- rep pepper flakes
- mozzarella + parmesan cheese. Again, I'm poor so I have the shitty stuff. Get the good stuff
- tomato/marinara stuff. Make it yourself. Don't be low class. If you buy jarred sauce you probably put just ketchup on your hotdogs and I don't want you reading this so leave now.
- plain bread crumbs
- all purpose flour
- oil. Olive oil is ideal, but, I'm poor. Canola oil for Rory.


Put some plastic wrap over the chicken breasts and smash them into submission with one of those kitchen torture device things (make them about 1/4- 1/2 inch thick). This is when you can fix your earlier biff when you were cutting -  just pound the thicker areas more. Also, if you don't have this torture device, use any blunt object.

Set up 3 bowls (or 2 and 1 paper plate). First one with plain flour, enough to cover the bottom. Second with the 2 eggs, beaten until pretty homogenous. Third with about 2 tbsp's of flour, about a cup of bread crumbs, a shit ton of parm cheese, salt+pepper to taste, a couple pinches of parsley, and red pepper flakes (if you're a pussy, these are optional).

One at a time, place the chicken boobs in the flour (cover both sides with a thin layer, just giving the eggwash something to cling to), dunk that shit in the eggwash (get every part of the chicken wet), then onto the bread crumb mixture (cover them thoroughly. Don't be a shy bitch about it). Have a plate to put them on when they're done. If your fingers aren't caked with the bread crumbs by the end of it, you did something very wrong and should give up cooking forever. They should look something like the picture on the right.


 If you ever read a recipe telling you to bake the chicken for chicken parm, tell them to fuck right off because they are wrong. In the heaviest pan you got, pour enough oil to cover the bottom. Should be about a centimeter or 2 deep. Turn the stove up to medium high, and LET THE OIL GET HOT. Do not put the chicken in before the oil is hot. It will fuck up everything and all of your friends will laugh in your pathetic fat face. A good test to see if its ready it throw some of the bread crumbs into the oil. If it sizzles, you're good to go. If not, then cool your jets and wait.

Once it is hot enough, place however many chicken breasts you can fit in the pan, cover, then flip in about 2.5 - 3 minutes when the underside is a bonerific golden brown. Let the other side cook for about the same time, then remove from the pan to a pile of paper towels you have waiting next to you. Repeat for as many chicken tits as you have. They should look like those golden brown works of art on the right.


 The only way chicken parm should be consumed is when its between to pieced of bread. Slice off a 6 inch piece of a fagguette, then slice that in half longways. Scoop out some of the bread, its just gonna get in the way of the important part of the sammy. Put some mozz on the bottom, stack the chicken on that. Put some sauce on top of the chicken (I want to reiterate, if you didn't make the sauce yourself you are low class white trash who should be stuck at the bottom of an abandoned diving pool), then more mozz cheese. Don't put the lid on the sammy, leave it open with the top next to it. Oh, shoulda told you to heat your oven to 375-400, and to put the sammies on a baking sheet. Whatevs, you can do that now. Leave them in there until the cheese is melted, about 7 minutes.


Put the lid on the sandwich. Enjoy.

p.s Sorry for the unexpected boners.

Don't forget to clean your mess. People who don't clean up after themselves are on the same level as: open mouth chewers, shopping cart ditchers, and low tippers. Fuck those people. Don't be like them.

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