Monday, April 25, 2016

You're Gonna Need a New Pair of Pants: The Burger

Burger. Cheese. Bacon Onion Jam. Fried Egg. Spicy Mayo. I'm getting a little hot and bothered just thinking about this burger again. Junk was DANK. Top 10 I've ever had. Pitched a semi tent down south cuz it was so good. Next level stuff. I know what you're thinking: Rory how about you stop sucking your own dick and tell me how to make it. Well its my food blog so I can suck my dick as much as I want to, but here you go:

- ground beef, 80/20 lean/fat ratio. Anything more than 80 and you're gonna be chewing shoe leather
- cheese. I used Colby Jack, but dealer's choice
- buns. Potato buns for me, I'm personally am not a fan of the enriched flour bullshit buns, but to each their own
- 1 large sweet yellow onion. Sliced thin, then roughly chopped
- 1 egg
- bacon fat. If you don't have a jar of bacon fat like me, the rendering of a few slices of bacon would work. If you don't have bacon, you're on the wrong fucking blog.
- a couple ounces of root beer (or any dark soda)
- balsamic vinegar
- any hot sauce
- mayo
- chipotle chili powder
- salt
- pepper, freshly ground because I'm an adult

Little PSA: Start this junk like 2 hours before you plan on eating.

Slap a big ole chunk of bacon fat in a pan on medium low (or cook a bunch of bacon and remove the bacon).

Once it is sizzling a lil, put all of the onion in there, cover, and let sit on medium low for about 15 minutes. No, the picture does not have it covered, that's a biff on my part.

Once them shits get nice and soft, its time to add the other ingredients. Splash some balsamic vinegar, maybe like 3 tbsp's. Then dump the soda in there too. Little salt & pep. Put the heat on that Flo Rida T-Pain low, leave it uncovered, and let that shit rock for like and hour and a half. I mean REALLY let that shit do its thang. The longer the better.

You can stir it around once in a while, but other than that, let it twerk on its own. We're not tryna bang one out in the backseat of a Honda Accord with Petey Pablo bumpin, we're making sweet sweet oniony love with Barry White playing and rose pedals all up in this bitch. You want to let it cook down until it looks barely recognizable as onions, kinda like this:

No, but Spicy Mayo sure as shit is.

In a bowl, glop a big spoonful of mayo, whatever amount of hot sauce makes the needle move for you, chipotle chili powder, and pepper. Stir that shit around, and boom shakalaka - meet boring dumb mayonnaise's cooler older brother who smokes cigarettes and has probably touched a girl's boob:


Sculpt a beefcake thats about 1/2 inch thick and a little wider than the bun you plan on using. That junk is gonna cook down. Season heavily with s & p.

Get your heaviest pan going on medium high heat, wait for it to get real hot, then drop the patty on in there. Thing should sizzle like a nizzle fo shizzle.

You can grill it if you want, but my apartment complex fucking sucks and doesn't allow grills so I'm making do with what I have. Plus there are no hot/cold spots in a pan like on a grill, so the burger will be more consistently cooked.

Also firing up a grill for just 1 burger woulda been dumb.

After about 4 minutes on one side, give it a quick flipidelphia. It should have a ballin ass crust on top. Put 2 slices of cheese as shown. Cover to melt the cheese, and let that baby rock for about 4 minutes.

Remove from the the pan AND LET THE BURGER REST. If you bite into it right away it will be fucking delicious but a huge mess and pizza-roll-straight-out-the-oven hot. Be patient, let those juices settle.

If you have 0 self control like a goddamn child, here is something to distract you: turn the heat down to medium and crack an egg into the pan you just cooked the burger in. Let that shit fry up until the bottom is crispy, the whites are pretty much settled, but the yolk still soft like RGIII's psyche.

Shoulda mentioned something earlier about toasting the buns a little. Do that now.

Spread some of the spicy mayo on the bottom bun

Top that with a large portion of the Barry White bacon onion jam.

Place the cheesy beefcake on top of that

Then the egg

Top bun on the egg

Break that yolk


Oh daddy

Sally gets it. I'll have the sandwich she's doing it to

Saturday, April 16, 2016

Chicken Parma-bomb

Honestly, nothing too "bomb" about this. Pretty run of the mill chicken parm recipe, but whatever fuck you. If you're reading this you don't know how to cook which makes you pathetic.

 - Chicken breast, sliced thin. If you can't find pre-sliced, buy whole breasts and cut them in half yourself. You'll probably biff that pretty hard, but its fine, you'll see why later
- 2 eggs
- 1 fagguette
- salt
- pepper. Freshly ground is preferable because that other shit is a tasteless waste
- parsley. Preferably fresh but I'm poor so I have the dried stuff
- rep pepper flakes
- mozzarella + parmesan cheese. Again, I'm poor so I have the shitty stuff. Get the good stuff
- tomato/marinara stuff. Make it yourself. Don't be low class. If you buy jarred sauce you probably put just ketchup on your hotdogs and I don't want you reading this so leave now.
- plain bread crumbs
- all purpose flour
- oil. Olive oil is ideal, but, I'm poor. Canola oil for Rory.


Put some plastic wrap over the chicken breasts and smash them into submission with one of those kitchen torture device things (make them about 1/4- 1/2 inch thick). This is when you can fix your earlier biff when you were cutting -  just pound the thicker areas more. Also, if you don't have this torture device, use any blunt object.

Set up 3 bowls (or 2 and 1 paper plate). First one with plain flour, enough to cover the bottom. Second with the 2 eggs, beaten until pretty homogenous. Third with about 2 tbsp's of flour, about a cup of bread crumbs, a shit ton of parm cheese, salt+pepper to taste, a couple pinches of parsley, and red pepper flakes (if you're a pussy, these are optional).

One at a time, place the chicken boobs in the flour (cover both sides with a thin layer, just giving the eggwash something to cling to), dunk that shit in the eggwash (get every part of the chicken wet), then onto the bread crumb mixture (cover them thoroughly. Don't be a shy bitch about it). Have a plate to put them on when they're done. If your fingers aren't caked with the bread crumbs by the end of it, you did something very wrong and should give up cooking forever. They should look something like the picture on the right.


 If you ever read a recipe telling you to bake the chicken for chicken parm, tell them to fuck right off because they are wrong. In the heaviest pan you got, pour enough oil to cover the bottom. Should be about a centimeter or 2 deep. Turn the stove up to medium high, and LET THE OIL GET HOT. Do not put the chicken in before the oil is hot. It will fuck up everything and all of your friends will laugh in your pathetic fat face. A good test to see if its ready it throw some of the bread crumbs into the oil. If it sizzles, you're good to go. If not, then cool your jets and wait.

Once it is hot enough, place however many chicken breasts you can fit in the pan, cover, then flip in about 2.5 - 3 minutes when the underside is a bonerific golden brown. Let the other side cook for about the same time, then remove from the pan to a pile of paper towels you have waiting next to you. Repeat for as many chicken tits as you have. They should look like those golden brown works of art on the right.


 The only way chicken parm should be consumed is when its between to pieced of bread. Slice off a 6 inch piece of a fagguette, then slice that in half longways. Scoop out some of the bread, its just gonna get in the way of the important part of the sammy. Put some mozz on the bottom, stack the chicken on that. Put some sauce on top of the chicken (I want to reiterate, if you didn't make the sauce yourself you are low class white trash who should be stuck at the bottom of an abandoned diving pool), then more mozz cheese. Don't put the lid on the sammy, leave it open with the top next to it. Oh, shoulda told you to heat your oven to 375-400, and to put the sammies on a baking sheet. Whatevs, you can do that now. Leave them in there until the cheese is melted, about 7 minutes.


Put the lid on the sandwich. Enjoy.

p.s Sorry for the unexpected boners.

Don't forget to clean your mess. People who don't clean up after themselves are on the same level as: open mouth chewers, shopping cart ditchers, and low tippers. Fuck those people. Don't be like them.